My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Weirdos gonna weird.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Cold.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”