My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
You Might Also Like
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*