My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You Might Also Like
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I put the mess in domestic.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t