My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
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[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
#MeanwhileInCanada
🤣🤣
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
asked my bf how work was today
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Sing it!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.