My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Legend 🤣🤣
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The second world war should have been called world war returns
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo