My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Pot warmers of the day.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
When ur friends with white people
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*