Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER