my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
You Might Also Like
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan