my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Not helping