Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I have more photos of sandwiches on my phone than I do of my children

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”