My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Wake me when AI does housework
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.