Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s classic.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.