My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired