My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Hotels are back
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The first one, obviously
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’