My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
It kinda feels like this rn
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL