My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You Might Also Like
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me driving through Toronto
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.