My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
oh shit
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.