My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
where do you see yourself in five years?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
