My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.