My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
A French press is when you hug naked
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m already scared
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I missed you with all my darts
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”