Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

o shit

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate