My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
You Might Also Like
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.