Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.