My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn