Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Woke up against my better judgement again

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.