Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Spider-cat: No One Home

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.