My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Animal poetry
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place