My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.