My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
You Might Also Like
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Which wines pair best with gloating?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?