My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
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When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Called it
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.