My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Artwork by Herta Burbe
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.