My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Lmbo
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.