Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Go gym

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise