Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours