Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month