Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I have a black belt in leather

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

A roof is a house hat.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

philosophical skeletons be like

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.