@BitchyJasmine

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. ūüôā

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@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@KevinFarzad

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@clichedout

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

@1CleverGirl1

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord