Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
How it started How it’s going
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.