@Ristolable [First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*
@BitchyJasmine My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂
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@Ristolable 
@myonlymizztake I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
@ch000ch i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
@_mindflakes Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
@Bearslietoo A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
@GrillinChillin9 Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
@memeprovider 
@ehdannyboy Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick