I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My typo game is string.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”