My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
repaired
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.