My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
🎵 I can’t wait to
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”