Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

incredible text to wake up to

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*