My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”