My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Running from your problems is cardio .
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]