Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

worst…sale…ever

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now