My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed