My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
You Might Also Like
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.