My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
im gay on my mothers side
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter