Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.