My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
You Might Also Like
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.