Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs