My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Dune (2021)
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.