My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
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I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*