My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If I ignore life will it go away?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real