My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
You Might Also Like
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Going into Monday like
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors