Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free