Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“i miss shittin on people”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70