Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Monday Lisa

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

We’ve all been there…

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.