My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I don’t know what to do
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*