I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.