My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
🤣🤣🤣
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
can you read it!!??
maan!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
