My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
