My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
