My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
So creative 😂
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT