My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
#JohnTravolta
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.