My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
You Might Also Like
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.