Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears