Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

seriously you guys

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

accurate

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”