My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
incredible
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.