‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
