‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Finally, an explanation.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m not wrong
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
