‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
