My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
*puts my mental health in rice
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.