My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Mornin
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very