Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”