My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.