“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
This squirrel eats better than I do
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”