Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane