My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it