My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Bring back the McRib
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.