Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?